Thorn in the flesh

So I read a devotion this morning on the thorn in the flesh chapter (2 Cor 12: 2-10) and it was interesting what Rick or is it Tony Warren said that throughout the bible when the word in Greek was used for thorn as a metaphor, it was usually for people who persecuted others. Interesting. I know this but still interesting. So that I might not be exalted for all the wondrous things revealed to me........interesting.
I did my PhD - people definitely kept me in my place. The JH's and ES's of this world were the constant thorns then the ones who steadily changed any initial opinion of me - the recruited thorns. I still feel the scars of the looks and the silent and not so silent accusations, of the undermining and ridiculing and palpable resentment. Someone once said when there is a common factor in different situations, that common factor must be me. And I think O gosh is it my personality - am I the one inviting this pain, this ostracization, this treatment. But a messenger of Satan - okay a little heavy for the blog but that is what Paul in Corinthians called it and I am using that analogy. A person for some reason that I cannot determine does not like me, does not trust me and impels others to do the same. Why?
Does it matter why? How do I respond?
So my work for my dissertation was on how the interaction of race and gender with our cortisol reactivity can produce increased weight gain one year later. So race and genger aggravate a person's cortisol response and most likely causes that person to gain more weight than they otherwise would have. Oh and this is especially in aggressive persons. Now I did not confirm this in my research but aggressive persons are usually the products of aggression. Someone hurts you so you hurt others. Where am I going with this? I want to broadcast my research. No seriously, I want to make a point and my point is this. I am a black woman. This alone has ramifications in this fine country. In the minds of one race which shall remain nameless, I am a second-class citizen. I am not to be trusted. So when I am questioned on my time sheets and my expense reports, and in one case I am outrightly accused of fudging my time and that there is no way someone can work that much overtime and that person is still skeptical even after explaining that yes I do work quite a bit of overtime that person is still of the opinion I did something wrong. SO I go to my boss and she somehow does not understand why I am coming to her about an issue that is so clearly not on her radar. Then there is the fact that no matter what work I do there is something wrong with it until management changes the project so much that it does not even resemble what I started working on. And then there is the fact that it is not often a question of if you did not explain it adequately but that it is I who do not understand what you said and then I think I must have stumbled into a bramble bush and I am covered in thorns.
God said My grace is sufficient for thee. God has given me the grace to deal with all this. He did it in grad school and He will do it here. And I will be glad in the fact that I know that no matter what happens, I will be blessed. Exactly when I need to be.
P.S. I was going to change the background color as I have been told it is oppressive but not today. Today I feel like my background - oppressed. Do a vote if you want it changed. I'm listening.

Maybe I shudda be a professor

Yes.......maybe I should have been a professor.......but then would I have these lovely experiences in the corporate world? It seems that no matter where you go, jobs are stressful. And I do not understand why.......I have come to the conclusion that people are the varying factor. This is not about lay-offs or pay cuts or wage freezes. Working is about people. Working is about working with people and to be successful in any job I believe we should all learn a little bit of psychology. Because psychology helps us to understand where people are coming from and why they act the way they do. Your best friend could be your boss but when they are at work with you all rules of friendship fly out the door. Why? Because they made need to impress somebody and that somebody ain't you.
Some days I come to work and I have a productive day and I ace my projects and everyone is happy and I look over the river and downtown Manhattan and I take a deep breath and I say ahhhh, I chose well. And some days I come to work and have a semi-productive day but a day in which I am yelled at and condescended to and clients call and act like (maybe I should not say that here) so I will be polite and say clients are demanding and then I wonder what the hell am I doing.
But I think I am having too much fun and I want to see this ride through and I still want to see if I am successful in this.....so I grin and bear it but empathy balanced with common sense still goes a long way. Oh and definitely using your head and praying a lot and staying calm. That is the key. I don't like to be pushed around but sometimes we have to live with the pushing and the shaking until one day we can push back and stand on the top of the heap and maybe then, just maybe, make the environment that you want to make for yourself in your job.
Or maybe just leave it all and live on a beach somewhere catching your own fish and picking fruit from your own fruit trees.................and being with your family.

Leaf on the Wind

I watched that movie Serenity - in one of the last scenes, the pilot charater is under extreme stress and fire and he keeps saying 'I am a leaf on the wind'. He lands safely and then something else kills him. But I choose to take away the positive - so that's my new mantra - I'm a leaf on the wind.
What a week! I hate going into a new week feeling alright I got this and then, bam - reality hits and hits hard. Why do we ever feel as if we are in control. We're never in control. All we can do is be a leaf in a wind and when faced with challenges become the tree that carries the leaf. So maybe I should correct myself. I am a tree. I bend in the wind but I never move. I am rooted. And I grow. (Hey I never claimed to be a philosopher - only a PhD) :-)
So this swine flu thing - hmmm. I don't know if it is media hype but I feel a little trepidation (read worried). I am a little worried that it attacks ppl in their prime and the immune system has a hyper-response to it - sounds like a pretty smart virus actually. I am a little worried about what I read today - that the true issue is that a more virulent strain can come along in a few months and be a whole lot more dangerous. The government is taking it seriously - probably more seriously than SARS and avian flu. That speaks volumes. Maybe they know something we don't.....either way, I am finally using hand sanitizer (I hate hand sanitizer - dries my hands and as a microbiologist - in the past anyway - I know that alcohol kills a lot of microbes that should be there on your hands and leaves you vulnerable until they take their sweet time to repopulate my hands). Ah well, one way or another, we gonna die but until that time comes, I will take precautions for me and my fellow man.
I thought I had a whole lot to say but apparently not.........so I'm out......maybe Saturday I will have some brain room to think enough for the blog. Until .......
I am a leaf on the wind!!!!!!! :-D

The Ivory Tower has cracks

No pun intended.......
So I decide to see what academia is saying about this professor and I come away with 3 WTF and 1 I'm not surprised. :-S
Here is the link so that you can see for yourself: http://chronicle.com/forums/index.php?topic=59810.0
Approximately 1/3 of the post express sympathies for the those involved. Of this one-third, 1/12 is purely sympathetic. The other 11/12 are mixed in with how does this look for academia. Of the 2/3 majority there is also an overwhelming how does this look for academia and concerns about how Fox News will portray academics. There is some snippiness about his endowment and a wonder of how his ACADEMIC background could have contributed. Therein lies my WTF. How about he was human and this was a human response. How about he had underlying psychological issues exacerbated by the stress of living up to an image every darn day? How about his wife actually dared cheat on him - how could she - after all I am an endowed professor - this must be punished. How about........dude was a marketing professor with a flair for the theatric - if I go down, I will go down big! How about it had absolutely nothing to do with academics and absolutely everything to do with a damn inflated sense of ego???
Dr.K's prayers and condolences and thoughts and sympathies go out to those two young children who will forever have to live with the stigma of seeing their father fall from the Ivory Tower like a flaming fire (cue Lord of the Rings: Return of the King) and to be motherless. May God send someone into their lives that will bring love stability and empathy so that they may recognize that this is not and never will be is or has been their fault.

The ivory tower does not equal Euphoria. UG Professor kills wife commentary

So on to this thing sticking in my craw - So by now everyone has heard of the University of Georgia professor that as CNN reported it.....shot his wife and prominent attorney; and a 63 year old guy....thus suggesting the possiblility of an affair between said attorney and wife then hinting the next day that the couple was having problems (the professor and wife). I was not at all surprised. Then someone on Facebook today makes the outrageous comment as to how could he have done that. He was an endowed professor, with an OUTSTANDING curriculum vitae. What happened? What happened my friend is that to become an endowed professor you have to forsake family and home. What happened is that the stress of becoming an endowed professor may have fed into disruption of his marriage. Seriously, how many happily married endowed professors are they except the ones who married their secretaries/students and other lap dogs who continue to look up at them like they are gods. There. I said it. I liken the Ivory tower to the Tower of Babel. It is yet another means of achieving god-like status. Nothing wrong with learning. In fact, I love learning. But learning narrowly to achieve high status is like not learning at all. A PhD is a degree of philosophy. A degree that is awarded when you learn to think. Not on just your subject but on life in itself. Galileo and Newton and all the other endowed professors of the past knew this but sadly it has been forgotton. So that a professor went off the deep end and killed his wife (purely objective - but she was probably cheating - men are territorial) and then has been smart enough to evade the police til now - that I attribute to his OUTSTANDING CV - dude has learned to think effectively. As to if his OUTSTANDING CV has anything to do with the fact that he killed his wife - yes. Dude obviously was arrogant enough to think he could get away with it. Why? Well he was an endowed professor and forever, ppl have been telling him how smart how great how wonderful how OUTSTANDING he is. Dude prolly believed the hype. Enough to awaken his inner psychopath. Maybe, just maybe, if we knocked down the damn Ivory Tower and stop putting these academics up on pedestals, we would stop judging them by their OUTSTANDING CV and instead see them as humans capable of falling and of failing. And now my craw is clean.

Follow-up on Funeral

I was planning on spending this day in quiet reflection and staying away from the blogging thing but someone said something that stick in my craw and have me itching to comment........
But first - the funeral was draining, as funerals of loved ones go.......I made a tribute to Sondra and I am glad I did - so I got to say goodbye......When I woke up this morning it was with tears in my eyes - I thought of Sondra and of course my mother was not far behind. For Sondra, I cannot believe she is gone and I miss her so much. I think since Mom died, I saw Sondra as one of those links - a person who knew what Mom stood for and what she was like and who was like her. I admit our correspondence in the last year was sketchy at best but when I was about to pack up and go home, i sought Sondra out in Brooklyn - it was early November and I was so discouraged because no one wanted to hire an immigrant like me. I was ready to face packing up and going home. Although I did not want to.......I always thought that Sondra was there when I needed her most, it was like that in grad school and now again with this very trying time. She sat me down and reminded me of my professional value, of my personality and how it would be welcome in any business. Most of all she said not to give up, that God had plans for me. Then she testified about He had been watching out for her. And I knew times were hard for her. Then we went to Norstrand in search of pudding and souse - I found cou-cou and she found oxtail. We were both happy. It was a good day. I will keep that day in mind because that day was essential Sondra, tempered by life and full of wisdom. I just pray that I can stand on the shoulders of these giants, my mother and Sondra, and be half the woman either of them became. As the priest said last night, it is not the quantity but the quality of years that we live. As Mommy used to say, no man knows the hour that he will be taken from this earth, all that is up to us is how we live up to that time. Moms and Sondra were true examples of that and I will follow on in the same vein.........

A hot Sunday in April

Geez, today is hot! Sitting outside does not help. Only AC. Thank God for AC - sorry about global warming but geez I needs to be cool. I don't remember it being this hot when I grew up and I come from 13 degrees north of the equator. Dag........It's so hot I feel as if I can't breathe. I hate extreme temps - Give me 50 to 70 degrees and I am happy. Maybe up to 75 and I can stand up to 90 with a nice breeze. That's the key - a nice breeze. That's why it wasn't hot growing up - there was always the NE tradewinds. They were great! So no AC needed there.
Anyway I'm rambling - today is Sondra's funeral - I'm trying not to think about it - had two drinks already - but I know for me that is severely under target. Might just enhance the emotions and that I ain need. Sondra Hewitt. My cousin who became a sister. Man we were stubborn together. And I am a quiet stubborn but bot did she force me to voice how I felt. I think more than anyone she made me speak out. And it wasn't that she said Keeva speak out but you had to do it with her. She did not like pushovers. So.....she more than anyone prepared me for this society. Sondra - I hate to think she is gone. Is like a whole chapter is gone. I hate closing chapters. I hate the end of a book. Everytime I read a good book, I hate coming down to the last few pages. And with both Mom and Sondra - it feels like that. Only thing is with a book I can pick it up and read it again. But not with life. With life, once that chapter/book ends that's it.......until maybe later.......
My mom died a few days before Mother's Day 2007. I know it's only 2 years now but I can't stand to see Mother's Day ads. For that reason alone, Barnes & Noble and I will part ways until after Mother's Day. I don't think you ever get over the loss of a mother (whether biological or other). But it gets easier cos here I am writing about my mother when just a mention would send me off into a crying jag. My mother talked a lot about her mother - almost like if she was still around. I find I do the same......I hope ppl listen.....Doesn't matter, it helps me. A good book has a lot of memories that you come back to over and over again. But today, I close mommy's book. Cos I tell you if I took it to the funeral today, we might have an overload. I'll tell you about the viewing really later. Now I need to go get ready..............

R.I.P

To those that I love and have lost to date:
Something beautiful, something good
All my confusion, God understood
All I had within me was brokeness and strife
But He made something beautiful in my life

R.I.P
05/07/2007 Patricia A.M. Blades (nee Baisden) - born 01/14/1943

04/18/2009 Sondra Hewitt - born 05/05/1950

To the two women who always encouraged me and whose lives are intertwined with mine even though now ended, I love you. I miss you. But you have both taught me enough to go on. I know you are happier now and I know I will see you again. I know that both of you would be very upset if I did not live my life while I was alive. I will make you proud - although I know you left this earth already proud of me. The sky is never the limit you said. The sky is not my limit. I will love as you taught me to love - give as you taught me to give and remember that no man is an island, for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for me.......and All things work together for good for they that love the Lord and they that are called according to His purpose. Your lives touched many and I will make sure mine does the same.
I love you.

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts........

So this is my first blog......took a while to get here.......I don't even know how well I can keep it up but maybe my I-phone will help. Especially when I am on the rail in the mornings with nothing to do but stare at the other people. I am sure that rail gets crazier around MLK Drive. Or maybe everything gets crazier around MLK drives across the US. ANd Kennedy Drives too.....hmmm.....
So about me.....the Dr is a PhD designation - a degree I went after because I like to know everything - I am addicted to info......I do CNN, TMZ and theybf.com in that order several times a day......most anything worth knowing comes through those at some point. If I need grittier I go to MSNbc. I like them cos they actually have a post on racism in America. That's brave. I got that PhD designate last year - what a year that was......But my timeline goes like this:
Left Barbados in 2004 - came to the US and Penn State Uni in Happy Valley - what a oxymoron that was ......I guess some of them were happy - if you were of a particular persuasion. Left Center County in 2006 - headed out to LA - hated it. Really hated it - why does everyine think LA is the place to be. Sheesh......more on that later. Headed back to Center County, PA 2007 - had no choice - grad school is really f'ed up - u follow someone's orders for 4-6 years hoping in the end they facilitate your escape from them. They break you down no matter who u are and then suddenly you're qualified to be important - load of crap if you ask me. Graduated in 2008. Started working in a real job that does not allow jeans in the dress code at least not til Fridays in Dec, 2008 and now here I am. Lots more happened but that's what the rest of the blog is for right......time will reveal.
That's it for now.